Contemplating the Easy Way Out.

Break up, take the easy way out. Sometimes I wonder why anybody put it that way. Because it never seemed all that easy to me. Maybe suffering is easier than letting go. Suffering is painful but leaving kills. Suffering brings about random happy days. Leaving snatches the spirit and soul away.

Then, wouldn't it be wonderful to be numbed?

When I was young, I told myself that I will not ever tolerate nonsense from a boy.
Never say never, and they are right.
Toleration became my expertise.

I wish I could be that bratty girl whose boyfriend listens to her every whim and fancy,
that she wouldn't have to worry if anything will piss him off,
because she has the kind of boyfriend that will never shout or be angry at his girlfriend,
because he would do anything for her,
even if it was unreasonable.

I hate the bratty girl because she is so annoying but sometimes, just sometimes,
I feel she has it easy.
I feel that she is happy, and will stay happy.

Do you know that I am tired of shedding tears for you?
That Im tired of being this wimpy crying shit?
I feel so weak and so scared of things that don't make sense?
Like monsters in the closet.
Some days they scare you, some days they leave you alone.

I used to cry because I knew we could be so much better.
That things doesn't have to happen certain ways because we can be so happy together.
It is like you feel annoyed and angry when you know you could have prevented something bad from happening
and you get upset harping on it and not getting over it.

But now I'm not crying anymore because it is more of being in a situation where either way it would still be bad.
It is like telling myself. "Its ok, because nothing could be done anyways".

Im clueless on how we are going to get through this and I hate to say that you're not making things easy for me.
I know it is not your job to make things alright, but you are the only person who can.

I wish a prayer would work things out but I get the feeling God doesn't like us to be together anyway.